The Isolation Instinct

Mike Martin (not his real name) was one of the most gifted traders on Wall Street. Morgan Stanley, where I worked at the time, had hired him away from a leading bank. But just a month after arriving, Mike called me on the phone and said, “Tom, I’ve come back home.” He had decided to return to his previous employer. ''What do you mean you’ve come back home?“ I replied. ”I came back to my former firm because of the way I was treated,'' he said. ‘"In a month only you came by my office to welcome me. Not one other managing director introduced himself or herself to me. I’ve never been treated like this, ever. I don’t need this."

If, like Mike, you believe that you’re on the outside of your organisation looking in, your natural inclination may be to withdraw and ruminate about how you’ve been excluded. It’s a devastating feeling, one that’s hard to empathise with until you’ve experienced rejection yourself.

When organisations fail to create ongoing, effective programs that make their people feel connected, it’s easy for employees to develop feelings of isolation. But contrary to what you might think, there are several things that you can do to restore your sense of belonging:

— Do something before your sense of isolation becomes entrenched. If you ask people when they began to feel excluded, the majority will mention some incident that occurred early in their tenure. Even if it’s just an inconsequential remark form a colleague, deal with these incidents immediately so you don’t become consumed by anxiety.

— Consider whether you might be losing perspective. Ask yourself whether you may be overreacting, or if you tend to take feedback too personally. Think about whether your CEO practices inclusion. In the majority of cases, companies follow their CEOs in this matter.

— Communicate with the isolating party clearly and honestly. High-need-for-achievement professionals dread having their worst fears confirmed – that they are indeed on the outs with their boss. In most instances, however, these worries can be put to rest if you express yourself to your boss with candor and clarity. The odds are that you’ll hear reassuring statements about your value or receive helpful suggestions, either of which will moderate your feelings of isolation.

(Thomas J. DeLong is the Philip J. Stomberg Professor of Management Practice at Harvard Business School and the author of “Flying Without a Net.”)

© 2011 Harvard Business Publishing